Hospital Visits and Memories

Today is a good day.  Yesterday was a better day.  Tomorrow, I’ll keep fighting.

Sometimes, having an auto immune disease feels like a never ending battle.  They are invisible, but take the body down so quickly that before you know it, you feel lifeless and alone once again.

After my daughter was born last year, I had a massive flare up.  I spent a lot of the time in the hospital and doctors office.  My family and friends had to take care of my husband and children when I couldn’t, and life didn’t seem right.

It’s moments in my journey through my disease that I feel most inspired to do things that will leave some sort of impact on those I love.  When my doctor couldn’t figure out what was going on, and my heart was so stressed that it threatened to fail, I thought of my children and husband.  I thought of how I just wanted one more chance to do something meaningful with them.  I wanted and prayed for one more chance to give them just one. more. memory.

The Lord answered my pleas for life and my prayer for time and I feel blessed beyond words, and more convicted than ever.

There are really really really hard days.  But right now there are really really really good days.  These are the days that I take advantage of.  These are the days we do something special just because my son thinks it would be exciting.  The days that I watch a movie with my husband that we’ve seen five time already.  These are the days I fight for.

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Fear

This week I’ve taken the plunge and started submitting my novel to literary agents.  I’ve had the proposal, query, and manuscript done for months now but I keep sweating every time I think of letting it out into the world.  I’ve held back for these reasons:

1) I know that I’ll get rejected.

2) It might not get rejected.

I’m aware that the likelihood of it getting picked up by and agent is slim, so rejection itself doesn’t scare me…but knowing that someone could tell me that it’s horrible and I should stop writing does scare me.

I’m also aware that there is an itty-bitty-tiny-wincy chance an agent will like it.  I’m okay with strangers reading this story because even if they don’t like it, I wont have to ever see them.  But what if people I actually know want to read it?  And what if they read it and can’t get past the first page?  That’s awkward.

Any tips for feeling confident in the story you’ve written?

I love this life, but there’s always a battle in my head;)

Spring or Fall?

Alright, 

Since I’m currently on the fourth draft of my novel, imagine my surprise when I realize that my character has experienced a Michigan spring and a Michigan fall all in ONE DAY?  Where was my mind two or three drafts ago?  Did I somehow miss that everything was green in one chapter and everything was red, orange, and brown in the next?  Today I’m confused and even more nervous about whether I have any sort of knack for this thing called “writing”.

There’s my rant for the day, wordpress!;)

Long time no Blog!

It’s been a loooooong time since my last post, and I have been trying not to feel like I let myself down because of that.  It’s been a super long year, and although I’m still writing, my energy and attitude are dwindling quickly.  I’ts been a year of prioritizing and learning to let myself off the hook every once in a while.

Aside from my 24-7 job of full time mom, I’ve been writing and knitting for sanity throughout the year, and it’s been a good one:)  We found out we are expecting our third little one come October, 2014 and couldn’t be happier!  IMG_20140626_155445~2

However, along with finding out we were expecting, came came a massive blow to my physical health and I’ve been recovering for a while now.  The pregnancy revealed that I have Grave’s Disease, which truly isn’t as serious as the terrible name makes it sound!  It just wipes pregnant women especially OUT…completely!  My mom stayed with us for what accumulated into months and many friends and hubby had to take off work during a time where I truly thought I wouldn’t survive the night.  Here I am though!  I’m doing everything I was doing last year at this time, with just a little bit less energy!  But seriously, what pregnant woman has energy anyway?

I just wanted to pop in to say hello, and let anyone who actually reads this know that although I wont be posting regularly, I’m back on social media and will check in as often as I can! 🙂

Have a wonderful day!

Happy reading, writing, and knitting!!

A Dreamy Sort of Wednesday…

Due to having a migraine and a vicious ten days packed full of play dates and macaroni and cheese with far too many toddlers, my brain is officially off today.  Instead of thinking too hard, I’m dreaming like it’s my day job and loving it:)  So, for future reference for myself, these are items I would some day like to hold in my hands…

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Another Print for Claire’s room?

 

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Could I convince my husband to spend this much money on the stilettos of knitting needles?

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Yum…Image

Ever feel like you are stuck in a rut of not working on what you are passionate about because there are so many others who are better at it?

I’ll be daydreaming until I find a way out of the rut…and get rid of this headache;)

 

 

These Days…

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There are days I wonder if I’ll make it past the moment my head hits the pillow after my alarm goes off.  Days I sit there praying…screaming really, to God and at myself for just eight MORE hours of sleep.

Most of these days, I take a shower, have a cup of coffee and feel relatively normal.  But it’s those days, like today, I always sense a bit of a cage around me.  It lingers, threatening to lock, but then it opens, bright patches of moments bringing relief.

Have you ever seen this photograph taken by Wojtek Kwiatkowski?

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I came across it while searching for prints for my daughter’s room, and for some reason, I couldn’t stop gazing at it.  It’s absolutely stunning to me.  In fact, I thought it was a painting at first.  The detail, and the beauty of it seemed so impossible to capture in a moment that I thought this must have been thought up in someone’s mind and accomplished with skill and a brush.

This horse, she’s gorgeous, and free to do whatever she wants.  It seems though that she carries the weight of responsibility along with her.  Something in her eyes made me realize that, no, I don’t believe she is actually free.  She belongs to someone, she may be a mother weaning her foal, or just back from a long, hard cattle drive.  I see a heavy burden in her eyes, a concern of some sort.  I’m touched by this moment that has been captured by such a skilled photographer.

It’s strange, then, to know that a friend of mine saw this same picture and thought it to be full of spunk, thrill, and adventure!

Perhaps it’s even more strange that I am searching the web for prints of this photo that reminds me of a burden I carry, and struggle to let go of.  (Which, if you are interested, can check out the “fiction” version, HERE) Part of the cage threatening to close in.

The days like these, which pass slowly, have been hard to accept, but I’m learning that perspective truly is everything.  Some day, I might see this horse as being just as beautifully happy as my friend does.  Until then, though, I’ve learned that the days may be rough, but they are lovely.  I learn to invest further into the outlets that I can pour into, such as this, without judgement, without worry, and knowing that the words I write, the stitches I knit, or the tickles I give wouldn’t be as special if it weren’t for going through these changing seasons.

Take heart, if you are feeling the same way…delve into the word, surround yourself with people who will tell you truth, which is that we were made for days like these…days we spend fighting for life, searching for joy.

-Hope

I’m linking up for the first time at Hope for the Weary Mom – which has been an amazing encouragement to me for quite a while now 🙂  Check it out here!

How NOT to manage your time…

If you walked into my house, you would find a collage of all my time suckers…everywhere.  It’s not something I’m proud of, but honestly, it’s not anything I’m ashamed of.  However, it goes without saying that all my different interests tend to take up time, and that, while working on the goal of having a completed novel by the end of the summer doesn’t work out so well.

Since I haven’t figured out how to manage my time effectively, here’s what I’ve learned not to do:

DON’T make decide to knit all of your niece’s their own blankets by next Christmas…it wont work out so well…especially when you have eight nieces…

DON’T let the dishes sit and say you’ll do them tomorrow…because you wont.  Then you’ll have a week’s worth of dishes with a mystery fuzz taking over the kitchen and you’re whole house will smell like hot dogs, even though you haven’t eaten hot dogs all month.  SO…then you’ll have to clean the dishes and your house to get ride of the smell, and it ends up taking much longer than spending five minutes twice a day doing dishes…;)

DON’T develop an unreasonable obsession with cycling, even though at the moment you don’t have a bike.  You will spend seven hours after the children go to bed looking at beautiful bikes you can’t afford.  So, nothing was really accomplished, and you wake up the next morning too groggy to get anything done.  On top of it all, by 9:00 am you could care less about bikes any longer and you’ve just wasted a nights sleep.  Ugh…

DON’T start reading a novel series…I become far too hooked…

DON’T have a family…;)  I’m totally kidding!  

I love my children, and if there’s anything I’ve learned is that if I spend time with them, yet accomplish nothing, I do feel good about what I’ve done that day.  However, when I spend time with them and make progress it’s fabulous 🙂

I’m hoping I DO learn how to “work at home” a little bit better.  What tends to suck away your time?  Any tips on how to manage it well?

 

Endless Edits…

Do you ever have one of those days where you are hit in the face with the fact that you may not be good at something you enjoy doing?  In fact, you may be horrible at it?  Ugh.  These thoughts surround me lately as I’m finishing up the third draft of my novel.  I love the characters, I love the plot…but I hate the way it sounds.  I feel that it’s elementary level writing, and it very well may be, but some days, I’m pretty sure a 10 year old could write better descriptions than I.  For instance, I am irritated by how often ALL my characters “Smirk”.  It’s amazing that I never picked up on it before. I hate even more that I cannot figure out how to show what they are doing, other than by saying “He(She) smirked.”  BORING.

I’d love to know if other writers suffer from this sort of self torture often?  😉

On a positive note…you cannot really screw up reading and knitting so…if all else fails, I’ll knit myself a blanket to hide under in embarrassment from working these past two years on something I’ll never show to a single soul…;)

Hobbies Galore

What do you call something that’s fluffy, wooly, tiny, and super sweet?

Angora Rabbits 🙂

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I confess to having about three too many hobbies, but the Rabbits are where most of my hobbies stem from so I’m counting it all as one 🙂

Along with writing, I also enjoy spinning and knitting.  So, the angora rabbits live with us so that I can harvest their beautiful silky wool and spin it into yarn.

The rabbits also tend to be a good way to procrastinate editing the horrible stack of paper that is my first draft sitting here on my desk.  Who wouldn’t rather comb wool that feels like cotton candy instead of facing the truth that something you worked on for a very long time turned out horribly? 😉

Anyway, I will be sure to post some pictures of the yarn that comes from these beauties soon for anyone else looking for a way to procrastinate!

Crazy Night Life

Tonight I had planned on being extremely productive after the little guy went to sleep.

It’s just me and the dogs right now, and it’s only 10:30…

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Sleep does seem to be the most productive thing I could do…

Goodnight!